Avoid teaching your son that boys don’t cry. Seeing your son cry isn’t always easy, but when we say things like, “Don’t cry,” we’re invalidating his feelings and telling him that his tears are unacceptable. This causes your son to learn to stuff his emotions, which can ultimately lead to more explosive emotional outbursts.
Tell your son, “It’s okay to cry. Everyone needs to cry sometimes. I’ll be right here to listen to you.” You might even try verbalizing the feelings your child might be having: “You’re really disappointed that we can’t go to the park right now, huh?” This can help your child understand his feelings and learn to verbalize them sooner than he might otherwise. And by encouraging his emotional expression, you’re helping him learn to regulate his emotions, which is a crucial skill that will serve him throughout life.
Avoid breaking promises to your son. Broken promises hurt. Big time! And since life is clearly unpredictable, I’d recommend removing this phrase from your vocabulary entirely. Choose instead to be super honest with your child. “I know you really want to have a play date with your friend this weekend and we’ll do our best to make that happen. Please remember that sometimes unexpected things come up, so I can’t guarantee that it will happen this weekend.” Be sure you really are doing your best if you say you will. Keeping your word builds trust and breaking it deteriorates your connection, so be careful what you say, and then live up to your word as much as humanly possible.
One more note on this, if you do break your word, acknowledge it and apologize to your child. Remember, you’re teaching your kids how to behave when they fail to live up to their word. Breaking our word is something we all do at one time or another. And even if it’s over something that seems trivial to you, it could matter a lot to your child. So do your best to be an example of honesty, and when you’re not, step up and take responsibility for your failure.
There are so many ways we minimize and belittle kids’ feelings, so watch out for this one. Children often value things that seem small and insignificant to our adult point of view. So, try to see things from your child’s point of view. Empathize with their feelings, even as you’re setting a boundary or saying no to their request.
Be honest and kind. Say something like, “I know you really wanted to do that, but it’s not going to work out for today,” or “I’m sorry you’re disappointed and the answer is no,” are far more respectful than trying to convince your child that his desires don’t really matter.
If your child has done something you don’t like, you certainly do need to have a conversation about it. However, the heat of the moment is not a time when your child can learn from his mistakes. And when you ask your child, “Why?” you’re forcing him to think about and analyze his behavior, which is a pretty advanced skill, even for adults. When confronted with this question, many kids will shut down and get defensive.
Instead, open the lines of communication by guessing what your child might have been feeling and what his underlying needs might be. “Were you feeling frustrated because your friends weren’t listening to your idea?” By attempting to understand what your child was feeling and needing, you might even discover that your own upset about the incident diminishes.
Special note: Readers are invited to tune in to Dr. Teal’s internet radio talk show. The link is www.kebnradio.com. 10 a.m. Saturday mornings CST. You’re also invited to visit www.untealthen.com